Wednesday, February 7, 2007

Houston, We Have A Problem

Love is grand. In this month of Valentine's Day, we are reminded of the joy and wonder of falling inextricably and overwhelmingly in love and pursuing your lover until you can lock eyes and arms and other flailing body parts in hot passion.

Oh, and let's not forget love triangles. Yes, young cupids, perchance to dream of unrequited love as your obsession goes unrewarded and the beau or belle of your dreams loves another. And when you can't win the heart of your dream man (or woman), well, all you can do is strap on a diaper, drive 900 miles, and try to murder the competition:

It's been all over the news: A hunky shuttle commander, Navy Cmdr. Bill Oefelein, is in an affair with one of his support crew, Air Force Capt. Colleen Shipman. But fellow shuttle astronaut Navy Cpt Lisa Nowak had a crush on Oefelein. When Nowak failed to win Oefelein's heart, she decided Shipman had to go. So she stalked Shipman for two months. Then, a couple days ago, she strapped on a diaper (so she wouldn't have to stop for bathroom breaks!) and drove 900 miles from Houston to the Orlando Airport where Shipman was getting off a plane. When Shipman made it to her car in the parking lot, Nowak assaulted her with pepper spray, but because Nowak waited until Shipman was actually inside the car, Shipman got away and alerted the police. Nowak was caught with a four-inch knife, a metal mallet, tubing of some sort, and $600 in cash.

Now, please keep in mind that Nowak was considered a shining star in the astronaut corps, where only the best and brightest military scientists are even considered. If she's so intelligent, why the hell would she botch the attack so badly? If she had a knife and a friggin' metal mallet, wouldn't you think they would be better weapons? Thank goodness criminals are stupid.

Can you imagine if this had happened while they were in space? NASA put out a statement today that Nowak is grounded for 30 days. No sh*t. Aw, come on, let 'er fly. 30 days is TOO LONG! What could be the harm? "In space, no one can hear you scream!"

Already people are making apologetic statements on Nowak's behalf, probably because, as an astronaut, she's supposed to be a "hero". The most common I've read is that she was unstable due to the stresses of her occupation and recent shuttle missions. Some say it is a temporary insanity sort of thing. Some people are even suggesting there is a physical ailment, like a brain tumor. But let's face it, astronauts are people too, and just as given to the usual darker side of being human that plagues the rest of society. No amount of psych testing can catch everything.

You know, I'd bet a goodly sum of cash that someone out there is already pitching a made-for-TV movie on this. Can't you just see it? A love triangle with an insane astronaut. Stalking. Murder attempts with pepper spray and metal mallets. I can see the pitch statement: "When astronauts will murder for love, they'll pee their pants to shoot for the star in their heart!"

Just makes you feel warm and fuzzy, don't it?

1 comment:

Brian Dunbar said...

Thank goodness criminals are stupid.

Not so dumb, really. If she'd carried off the attack she might have gotten away with it.

In disguise in Orlando. No fingerprints. No gas or restroom stops between Houston and Orlando - makes a potential alibi better.

If she'd had better luck actually attacking Shipman ....