Another Flighty Invention

A couple days ago, a Mexican (yes, Mexican) aerospace company announced designs for a new strap-on helicopter backpack:

http://www.physorg.com/news128929559.html

From the article:

Technologia Aeroespacial Mexicana (TAM), the company behind the Libelula strap-on helicopter, explains on its Web site how the device is powered by two hydrogen fuel canisters. Tiny rockets at the tips of the helicopter´s rotor blades take the place of a tail rotor, a component which couldn´t be safely attached to a human body. According to the company, the Libelula would be the lightest helicopter in the world, so light that it could be strapped to a person´s body with a carbon fiber corset.

Wow. Nifty. Gee whiz…. Yawn.

Several times a year, some enterprising inventor comes out with yet another far-out but over-played transportation device that, like its predecessors, is too expensive, too unsafe, often untried, and simply not marketable. Take, for instance, the most recent car that can turn into either a boat or a submarine (the sQuba car), or yet another flying car concept that was announced not so long ago.

Yeah, it's neat, but even if the Libelula helicopter backpack works (and it is still just a concept, I will remind you), it's really just a novelty. Hell, it would take some convincing just to get me to travel by motorcycle (four wheels is a LOT safer than two!). Getting me to strap a hydrogen fuel tank to my back, then take off with a loud engine and whirling blades just inches from my sensitive little head, is a whole other thing. Hey, while you're at it, let's make it even more unsafe and add some potentially-explosive rockets to the blades. Oh, I guess there already are.

It's an interesting commentary on the workings of the world that most people have trouble understanding how to hook up their stereo systems or operate their digital cameras, but we'll give any schmuck a license to drive a half-ton SUV at ramming speed down the freeway. I don't trust most drivers to keep me from becoming one with their hoods, so it should be no surprise that giving them a helmet with a couple of spinning 3-foot, potentially-decapitating blades and explosive rockets and hydrogen fuel isn't a concept I endorse. Call me snobby, but I'd like to keep folks on the ground and leave the flying to licensed pilots.

As for the personal-helicopter idea, I'll leave you with a link to a video of someone who has already built a similar contraption:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f09_yvcASLM

Here's another one:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wd99ziWFF7Q&feature=related

Yes, you, too, can experience the miracle of flight with the new Libelula helicopter backpack, able to leap tall buildings and border walls with a single bound. Just watch out for those power lines, amigos, or those blades will be chopping more than air.


Addendum: For a slightly less explosive and death-defying option, consider the "Mosquito" personal helicopter: http://www.realtechnews.com/posts/1878.

Image taken from HERE.

The Anti-Youth Device

I once had a chemistry professor who hated kids, including his college students. I first met Dr. Kopper just before the start of my freshman year, during a "pre-orientation" trip where he was one of the faculty chaperones. I happened to walk by when he was confessing his lack of ability to relate to the students to another faculty member and wishing he hadn't come along. Loser.

Well, Dr. Kopper would fully appreciate a device called the Mosquito (see picture), which has the sole purpose of chasing away youths by emitting a horrible, high-pitched whine at a frequency that people under 20 can hear, but people over 30 cannot:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Mosquito

That's right. If storeowners or old grumpy men don't want young people loitering around ('cuz, you know, all young people are up to no good!), they turn on the mosquito and the horrible shrieking chases the kids away. At 17.4 kHz at 85dB, folks older than 30 have lost just enough of their hearing by then that they can no longer hear it. Ingenious. Heck, we don't need young people around. We LIKE being old at heart, right?

The inventor of the product, Howard Stapleton, has sold some 4000 units of the device since he first tested it in 2005. Mostly in the U.K. From the very beginning, though, the product faced protests and bans. Nonetheless, it is still legal to use in most places.

Now it is facing yet another legal proceding:

http://www.physorg.com/news128273220.html

When some grumpy child-hater in Brittany, France, mounted a unit on his house, some people around the neighborhood got sudden headaches, and children ran past the house holding their ears. I can just see some old guy laughing at them through the blinds.

The guy claimed to have mounted the unit after being the victim of vandalism. But now he's being sued by community members for using an "illicit sound weapon".

Personally, I'd rather have an anti-old fogie device.

Of course, teens being who they are, have turned this "mosquito alarm" to their advantage. They have created a ringtone on their cell phones at the same frequency. Thus, their phone can ring, but only they and their fellow students will hear it, and the teachers will not, and they can use the phones during class without the teacher knowing. Clever. They've even incorporated the sound into music so that only young people would "get it".

Damned kids! Get off my lawn! Where's my Mosquito….


Image taken from HERE.

The Disappearing Car Door

Do you tire of the same old car doors? Those bulky, swinging slugs of metal? Why, it's so last century! Are your rich friends struggling to keep up with your techno gadgets? Have you ever had the desire to make your expensive luxury vehicle look even more like a Star Trek shuttlecraft?

Now a company called Jatech has the answer for you – the Rotary Drop Door:

http://www.disappearing-car-door.com/

Step out of your car in style as you pull up to your friends, then your car door slides smoothly downward, folding underneath the car so that you can step out like a pimp and bask in their awe.

The link above has a really cool video of the doors in action. Jatech basically retrofits already-existing car designs by removing the factory-made doors and replacing them with a design that folds down and under the car body, thus they seem to disappear.

Sure, Delorian sports cars may have had those cool wing-like doors, but they never really caught on, did they? The new Lamborghini Murcielago LP640 has doors that swing upward and forward. Nice, but like the Delorian, you'd better have high ceilings in your garage. Same goes for the Ferrari Enzo, which takes up even more room. And then there's the Hungarian-made Kenguru, which only has a back hatch (and room for only one wheelchair-bound driver!). But this is the first car door design that is made to "disappear" into the car body that I know of.

Jatech doesn't reveal the cost of retrofitting your vehicle for their rotary drop door design, but I'm wondering how many Smart Cars, for instance, you could purchase for the same cost (each Smart Car starts at about $11,000).

And what benefit is this amazing miracle of auto design? Oh, sure, the makers say in their little video that it "saves on parking space" by removing the need for space for a swinging door, that it prevents car-door "dings", and that it makes getting in and out of the car more convenient. But let's face it, having this way cool design is just plain kick-ass, gets lots of looks, and gets you that much closer to getting laid.

Cool.


Image taken from HERE.

The Earliest Audio Recording (But Not The Grooviest)

When you learned in grade school about Thomas Edison, you probably had to memorize a list of significant inventions he came up with: the electric light bulb, direct current distribution of electricity, the motion picture camera (or "kinetograph"), and other marvels. But one that he is famous for is the phonograph, back in 1878.

You remember phonographs, right (a.k.a. the record player)? I mean, yeah, you have to be, like, over 35 or so these days to have actually heard one, and most of us over that age have records stored somewhere but no longer have an actual turntable to listen to them. Believe it or not, I actually have a record player. Yes, I like Disco. No snickering, please.

For those who are too young, records are those plastic discs that turn around and around and play your parents' and grandparents' oldies-but-goodie songs from the 70's and before (that's the 1970's, thank you, not 1870's), only Edison's were made of tin and were in the form of a cylinder. Later inventions made cylinders out of wax (played on a "graphophone"), and then discs made out of zinc (played on a "gramophone") and other materials, before plastic was invented.

Yesterday the world's first audio recording was revealed to the public, previously unknown until recently re-discovered in February at the archives of the French Academy of Sciences in Paris by an organization known as First Sounds, then converted to sound by the Lawrence Berkeley National Laboratory:

http://www.physorg.com/news126017185.html

The recording is of "Au Claire de la Lune", and was recorded on paper that had been coated with soot. The sounds were inscribed by a needle into the soot by an instrument called a "phonautograph" (see picture), by Parisian inventor Edouard-Leon Scott de Martinville, on April 9, 1860, 17 years before Edison and his phonograph.

Here you can hear the ghostly, warbly, 10-second recording: http://www.firstsounds.org/sounds/. Most likely it was Scott's daughter singing.

HERE is a touching modern rendition of the song, sung by a father and his baby daughter.

The funny thing is that Scott, as I understand it, couldn't actually listen to the recordings he made. They were merely made and then submitted to the French patent office, then stored. It's a miracle they still exist.

Cool enough. I think I'll mark this discovery by listening to one of those grooved (groovy?) plastic discs on my own phonograph tonight: Donna Summer. I love to love you, baby!


Images adapted from HERE and HERE.

Mind-Meld With Your Wii

I'm mid-way through my vacation with my in-laws and thought I'd pop onto the computer for a bit to send some digitized brainwaves your way.

One of the highlights of this vacation is my wife's birthday. This year I got her a Nintendo Wii. You know, the game system that everyone is raving about, with remote controllers that you use to play with that have little gyroscopes in them so that your arm movements are captured and transmitted to your video characters. You can do all sorts of amazing things, like play tennis, bowling, sword fighting, and so forth by simply moving your arms and controllers. You can also accidentally throw your controllers through your TV. And if you're like me, you might be tempted to throw them across the room when you can't get the console hooked up correctly. And why is it named "Wii"? Probably because of the high-pitched noise you make as you shell out $300 bucks for the console and an additional $30-50 for each game.

I haven't yet gotten the chance to play this marvel of technology, but I'm looking forward to it. It took me an entire month to get the damned thing, since they are sold out everywhere. In order to get it, I basically had to stake out the department and video stores where they are sold, like some sort of noir detective, waiting for the latest shipment to arrive and then madly rushing in within an hour or two to grab one before hordes of teenagers got theirs. Well, something like that, anyhow. You practically have to bribe the store workers to hold it for you as you drive frantically through traffic to get to the store to pick it up.

This physical interface with the computer is a relatively new thing for the gaming industry. But now a number of companies are rushing in to one-up Nintendo by introducing not a physical interface, but a mental one. One, called Emotiv Systems, is nearing release, probably this year. That's right, control your video character with the power of your mind, using the Emotiv Epoc Neuroheadset:

http://www.physorg.com/news124723221.html

Do you remember Mindball, which I blogged on over a year ago? That was a system where two players sat across from each other controlling a ball using only their mental power of relaxation, using a helmet that read their theta waves. The more mentally relaxed or meditative you were, the more you were able to move the ball and beat your opponent.

This new system from Evotiv goes further, incorporating biofeedback readings such as EEGs and alpha waves (your state of relaxation), EMGs (muscle movement), ECGs and GSR (measuring heart rate and sweating), and possibly near infrared spectroscopy for blood oxygenation, all in a really kick-ass, futuristic mind-reading helmet (see picture). Excellent.

And what can you do with this nifty little device straight out of Neuromancer? So far Emotiv has developed an adapted version of a Harry Potter video game where players use their biofeedback to lift boulders and throw lightning bolts.

Other company's working on this include EmSense, NeuroSky, and Hitachi.

So for my lovely wife's next birthday, I may find myself staking out the department stores again, this time trying to find a way to snag a mind-reading device for the Wii and make more high-pitched pained sounds at the cash register.

Oh, my dear Nintendo, let us mind-meld! My mind to your mind. My thoughts to your thoughts…..


Image taken from HERE.

The Digital Abacus

So there I was in the San Francisco International Airport recently, blithely killing time by laughing at hapless travelers as they frantically undressed and redressed themselves at the security area, or rushed through terminals like sex-hungry salmon against a raging river, or, you know, lay in a helpless heap of eye-bleeding insanity from the nightmare that is often intercontinental travel. I had traveled to the City By The Bay to attend a science workshop, and now had two hours of down time before my delayed flight was to leave. With a shrug, I decided to walk through one of the concourses.

There, sandwiched between human conveyor belts on a particularly long corridor were largely-ignored display cases showcasing the process of making prototypes into nifty products. They featured useful things like mp3 players, artsy lamps, and modern game systems, and their early design phases. But amongst these great, utilitarian inventions was an oddity which made me stop dead in my tracks. In the case in front of me was a digital abacus:

http://www.coroflot.com/public/individual_file.asp?from_url=true&sort_by=1&portfolio_id=34998&individual_id=36630

It was like looking at a pile of snow in the middle of the Mojave desert in July. It was a freak of technology. "Digital" and "abacus" are two words I thought I would never find together. Like a Frankensteinian mutant, here before me was an unholy marriage of modern technology and ancient relics seen nowhere else in the world where electricity is common (except Japan, but what can one expect of a land where raw fish is eaten with gusto?).

Like beaming Beatles songs into space (which NASA did today), the digital abacus is a shining example of excellent technology used for non-excellent purposes, a glaring example of a waste of good mindpower and scientific intellect, more art than science acumen. A gag gift. If you're going digital, buy a freakin' calculator.

What's next? Talking slide rules for the blind? Electronic finger counters? Holographic rulers? The digital abacus LED readout mocks all that is noble and timeless. Its tickertape printer is a waving flag of innanity. The sleek, waveform shape defies the stark utilitarianism of its predecessors.

Oh, sure, the abacus (or the soroban, for you Japanese folks) is still used in many parts of Asia, the Middle East, and Africa (HERE is a video on how to use it, and HERE is a video of someone using one for complex addition). There are highly-trained people (abacists) who can use it faster than most people would use a calculator. There are people who stack cups faster than I can, too, but I wouldn't say I'm jealous when I put away my washed dishes.

But, hey, I shouldn't knock something that's still in use after 4500 years (apparently invented in Babylonia). And when the next asteroid knocks the Earth back into the Stone Age, guess which counting device will still be around. The digital abacus will still be useful, even if it doesn't have batteries for the LED readout.

But don't expect me to give up my Texas Instruments science calculator anytime soon!

A Nuclear Reactor In Your Garage

Are you tired of living on "The Grid"? Do those pesky electric bills get you down? Is solar energy just too "'80's"? Well now Toshiba has the answer to your energy woes! Introducing the Micro Nuclear Reactor:

http://www.nextenergynews.com/news1/next-energy-news-toshiba-micro-nuclear-12.17b.html

Yes, that's right! At only 20 feet by 6 feet, this 200kW nuclear fission reactor can fit in your own garage. Now that's handy! Handling dangerous nuclear material is as easy as flipping a switch. Nifty. And it can power an entire city block or apartment complex. Why, you'll be the envy of your entire neighborhood. How's that for empowerment? What's more, you won't even have to be on the electrical grid. Sell it back to the city. Snap!

But wait, there's more! Using reservoirs of radioactive lithium-6 instead of those snarky uranium rods and cooling towers we're used to seeing, the entire process in the Micro Reactor is self-contained and can produce energy for 40 years. When it's finished, just ring up Toshiba on the iPhone and they'll come and pick it up. Why, that's disposable energy to you and me! Who cares where they take it after that! At half the cost of standard electricity, you'll be singing all the way to the bank.

Power your own little island or impenetrable fortress like a James Bond villain if you like. We'll help! You'll be seeing this radioactive dream in Japan in 2008 and in Europe and America in 2009. But don't wait! Order yours now!

The Privy Prop

Go ahead, call me sexist, but one tiny thing that bothers me is the belief that men are indecent for not lowering the frickin' toilet seat when they're done pissing so that the women of the household won't "fall in" or have to lower it for themselves.

Gasp! How could I not be a gentleman?? I'm flushed with embarrassment.

Hey, shake it off, gals. This is supposed to be an enlightened time when the feminist movement has declared men and women to be equal. Oh, sure, women still have to fight the good fight, what with discrepancies in pay and promotions and such, but can't you at least give up the stupid toilet thing? This practice is circling the drain, like opening doors for women or pulling out a chair for them at restaurants.

You know what? How about we reverse the expectations on this one and have men start insisting that women raise the seat after they've gone "wee"?

I don't know about you, but I cringe every time I have to grab the seat and raise it. What kind of poo kooties are lurking there on the porcelain where my thumb and fingers touch it? Ew! Oh, sure, I wash my hands every time when I've finished. Still – yuck! Let's let women do some of that nasty touching for a change.

So I've had my heart set on one day getting one of those fancy toilets you hear about now and then with automated seat-raising and lowering buttons (along with stupid stuff like built-in radios and such). But those are out of my price range. I've heard about little handles you can glue onto the seat, but in my paranoid little mind I still imagine poo-contaminated flush-air wafting over it with each flush, and those aren't exactly available at the local department store.

Now, through the imaginative mind of a 9-year old boy named Jake Wulf, we have a solution: the "Privy Prop."

Story: http://www6.comcast.net/news/articles/odd/2007/11/03/ODD.Privy.Prop/

Tired of being hounded by his mother to lower the toilet seat, this innovative little boy saw one of those step-lever trash cans and decided to design a similar device for toilet seats. With a little help from his dad (an equipment designer) and using a school "Invention Convention", he successfully built a working prototype. Just step on a lever and the seat raises. Step off, and it lowers. His prototype won the contest and went on to a regional competition, then was featured at the Iowa State Fair. After word got out about it, the Ellen Degeneres Show called and had him on air today.

Not bad, little Jake! One small squirt for Man-kind. Unfortunately, the family apparently has no intention to patent or mass-produce the device. We'll see.

Personally, I'd love to have one. No more poo-kooties on my delicate digits.

Oh, by the way, our family's "default" toilet position is with both the seat and the lid lowered. Sigh.

Bad Breath Paste

Does bad breath get you down? Have you noticed an alarming percentage of people sitting next to you spontaneous gagging or coughing? Do babies and small animals suddenly start crying and running from you when you get near? Do fellow boat passenger jump overboard when you step on deck? It could be your looks, but have you considered your breath?

Well fear no more, my toxin-breathing friend! Now there’s “Bad Breath Paste”:

Story: http://www.newscientisttech.com/channel/tech/dn11802-invention-disposable-satellites.html

Patent: HERE.

"Bad breath poses a serious problem both for sufferers and for relatives and friends, as it generates mutual discomfort and may put a strain on a person's social life,” said Christian Cardon, the Belgian inventor of Bad Breath Paste.

Simply squeeze a glob of Bad Breath Paste into your mouth and let the miracle of enzyme technology do its job. These enzymes break down sulfur compounds, starch, and cellulose trapped in your mouth and between your teeth that lead to your rotten respiration. Flavor enhancers help speed up their activity.

Brushing your teeth or using mouthwash are so passe. Squeezing goo into your mouth is much more exciting.

But wait, there’s more! Bad Breath Paste will work for your pets, too! Have you seen what Fido's been eating?! Give a squeeze to Fido and his horrifying halitosis will be no more!

Think how much better your life will be when people will want to be near you again. Attract dates! Get a raise! Be the life of the party! Don’t wait, order now!


Image taken from HERE.

The Dishmaker

Don’t you love eating off of cheap plastic dishes? Well who doesn’t? Look in those cluttered kitchen cabinets of yours. Why, they’re crammed with quality plates, bowls, and cups? Throw them out! Now you can make your own dishes, custom-made for your meal, with the amazing new Dishmaker:

Video: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kuGvPhglGEc

Yes, through the miracle of pressed-form engineering, you, too, can be part of the dining future imagined by the Jetsons. Once you’ve installed your Dishmaker, a dishwasher-sized appliance that any of us could find room for on our kitchen counters, simply place a plastic disk into the Dishmaker and program in the form you would like. With a little heat and pressure, that wafer-thin red disk turns into the bowl of your dreams, ready to eat off of in just a minute! Presto chango! That was easy!

When you’re finished eating, simply clean off the bowl and return it to the Dishmaker. With the press of a button, that bowl is re-heated and quickly forms back into a disk to be re-used up to a hundred times! What simplicity! It’s a recycler’s dream! Recyclable paper and re-usable glass dishes are for wimps, and far less cool!

But wait, there’s more! Call in the next 10 minutes and receive the Heatsink, another invention by inventor Leonardo Bonanni:

Video: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ki9FL2T9hew

The Heatsink screws on to the end of your kitchen faucet. Turn on the cold water and, voila, it glows an icy blue. When the water gets hot, it glows a fiery red. No more need for exerting yourself to put a hand under the water to gauge the temperature. Ow! It burns! It burns! Avoid the pain and simply watch the heatsink.

That’s right, receive your very own Dishmaker with 15 red disks, enough to set a table with cheap, acrylic dishware, and your additional Heatsink, to make a fluorescent party out of running water. Amaze your friends! Be the envy of every chef and caterer for miles around! Call now!

Hamster Shredder

Are you afraid of identity thieves, but the enormous electric bill from operating a standard paper shredder gets you down? Do you get a thrill out of making small, furry rodents do your bidding? Wouldn't you love to see your bills get sh*t on? Well now you can shred your blues away with the amazing "Hamster Shredder":

http://www.tomballhatchet.com/hamstershredder.html

See other images HERE and HERE.

No, the Hamster Shredder doesn't shred hamsters. Instead, utilize the endless supply of hamster energy by having your adorable little "honey bear" run in an exercise wheel hooked up to a paper shredder on top of its cage. The wheel engages the shredding mechanism, which in turn turns your hellish tax documents into harmless shredded paper! Look, Ma, no electricity! What's more, in a clever, Flintstones-esque manner, your old bills become the bedding for your enslaved pet. Just in case your documents are so sensitive that someone would actually try to reconstruct them, now you can get your revenge by making them clean off the rodent crap, too!

Amaze your friends! Amuse your kids! Be the envy of corrupt corporations and military leaders everywhere. It's endless fun! Order your Hamster Shredder now!

** Hamster not included. No animals were harmed in the making of this blog post.

UPDATE (5/17/07): Now there's a new and improved design! See the updated Hamster Shredder website! http://www.tomballhatchet.com/hamstershredder1.html

See The World Through Rose-Tinted Lenses, Or Any Other Color You Wish!

The other day I was talking with a couple co-workers in the hall as they were preparing to leave work. They put on their Transitions sunglasses and complained about how they weren't changing back and forth very well anymore from clear to dark. "Yeah," said one, "when they get about a year old they slow down in their change rate and it takes too long. They slow down when it gets cold, too."

At this point I remembered watching a sci-fi movie called The Man Who Fell To Earth, staring David Bowie. I wouldn't call the movie excellent, but it has a cult following. It's from Bowie's glam days, after all, back in 1976. Bowie plays an alien (no stretch there!) who has come to Earth in an effort to save his dying family, who waits for rescue back on his home planet. He fits into human society using a facial mask (decades before the Mission Impossible movies) and cosmetic contact lenses, and quickly becomes a wealthy entrepreneur by patenting inventions based on the technology of his home world. There were some interesting inventions in the story which have since come true: self-developing film, cosmetic contact lenses, music spheres (which play like CDs), and UV light-sensitive ("photochromic") sunglasses, like Transitions lenses. Bowie's character possesses a pair of these sunglasses. They protect his alien eyes against the harsh Earthly light, they allow him to see in other wavelengths, and, in the presence of sunlight OR at the press of a button, they turn from clear to dark or back again. I remember thinking how cool it would be to change at the touch of a button, and that we couldn't be technologically far from making it.

Now, once again, science fiction has become reality. In fact, it's even cooler:

http://www.physorg.com/news94216721.html

A chemist named Chunye Xu and colleagues at the University of Washington in Seattle's Center for Intelligent Materials and Systems have invented photoelectric glass coatings that, at the touch of a button, can go from clear to any color you wish in just a second. Need your glasses to match your teal pumps? No problem. Just dial in the appropriate electrical signal to get the right color and darkness. The coatings are made of special polymers, and come in red, blue, and green. Combinations of these polymers can make just about any color. The color change happens with the application of a very small electrical charge from a small battery and a gold/silicone actuator, or can be stimulated by pH, temperature, or light changes depending on the formulation. They have a number of patents. Go HERE for a short PowerPoint presentation of the physical details. This technology will also be developed for goggle lenses, face shields, aircraft windshields, and office windows.

Eyeglasses should be available within a couple years. I'll be waiting for my pair. Ooh, wouldn't it be wicked to have the color and darkness change rapidly, on purpose, shifting color every few seconds? Or have each lens a different color? I wonder if you could have the lenses vary in color and intensity across their face? Could you apply this technology to home windows, or church windows, or Christmas ornaments, or my friggin' aquarium? You could do all sorts of gimmicky things, I imagine.

The Beer Launcher

Need experience catching metallic, flying projectiles? Afraid to miss even a minute of Desperate Housewives? Thirsty for a beer, but that long walk from the couch to the kitchen gets you down? Well fling those blues away! Now you, too, can enjoy the simple delight of the Beer Launcher:

Story:
http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20070308/ap_on_fe_st/beer_tossing_fridge

Video:
http://www.metacafe.com/watch/445498/robotic_beer_launching_refrigerator/

Official website:
http://www.duke.edu/~jwc13/beerlauncher.html

Command your new robotic frig to toss a beer from up to 20 feet away. Your can of carbonated brew will be lifted from the cool insides of a mini-frig, rolled off of a loaded magazine into a throwing arm, and catapulted right to your waiting hands. Quench your thirst, wow your friends, and get stinking drunk, all while sitting on your ass in the comfort of your La-Z-Boy.

But wait, there's more! Order in the next 10 minutes and you'll also receive a remote-control keychain. With the click of a button, this modified car-fob commands your Beer Launcher to load a deliciously cold beverage, adjust the angle and direction of the launching arm, and lob a 12 oz elixir to you and your pals. Fire! Pop. Fizz. Glug glug. Ah!!! Airborne alcohol never tasted so good!

Order now!

Super-Wipes

Tired of that unsightly grime around the house, but Swiffer dusters and dust rags leave you feeling dirty? Can't remove stubborn road filth from your car wheels? Worried about the radioactive uranium dust lying around your lab? Well fear no more! Now even microscopic dust particles are no match for the "Negligible-Residue Non-tacky Tack Cloth":

Story: http://www.physorg.com/news92074135.html
Patent: HERE

Yes, this cleaning marvel even wipes up particles too small for your eyes to see, leaving a sparkling, streak-free surface you can be proud of! Developed by a nuclear lab researcher for cleaning up radioactive beryllium particles, it picks up metal, ceramic, plastic, fibers, and radiological contaminants. Do chronic respiratory problems and cancer from radiological contaminants get you down? Simply use these cloths to rub away your problems! Wipe down your semiconductor clean room, polish up those titanium golf clubs, or clean up brake dust from your car, all without needing additional cleaners. Simply "Use dry, rub hard," and your cleaning worries are wiped away! Order now!

You Are What You Hear

iPod users, do those pesky earpad cords get tangled when you dance? Tired of the incessant banging and tickling of the cords against your sensitive skin as you air-guitar? Do your wireless Bluetooth earphones keep getting interference? Well never fear! Now through the miracle of low-level electrocution, you can send the music right through your body from your mpeg player to your ears!

Story: http://www.newscientisttech.com/channel/tech/dn10663

Patent: HERE

Throw away those cords! Now Sony has developed a system where audio signals are sent through a conductive cloth pad directly into your skin. At a few millionths of an amp, the signal travels through the capacitor – your body – to come out at specially-designed earpads. The 500 kHz -3 MHz signal can carry 48 kilobytes per second. Frankenstein's monster only received life from the electricity sent through him. You can have the Rolling Stones! You won't feel a thing except rockin' rhythms as you dance to your body-conducted tunes. Look, Ma, no wires!

Order now!

Giving Laptops To The Young Makes Me Feel Old

If you're my age or older, you can remember a childhood without a personal computer of any kind whatsoever. I know, it's difficult to remember through the fog of your developing Alzheimer's, but give it an effort. You actually had to use a pencil and blank piece of ruled paper to write your reports, or at least a typewriter (do you remember when you made a mistake you had to go back and either type over the letters with eraser ribbon or X them out? –shiver-), since a "word processor" was just a fancy typewriter, not a type of computer program. Good luck finding typewriters these days! If you needed to look up some sort of odd information, there was no internet, you had to go to a library and hope their encyclopedia was up-to-date, or check out and read a book which was also likely out of date. And you had to rely on a phone to contact your friends when you weren't near each other, instead of texting or MySpace. Ah, how primitive!

I know what you're thinking. You're thinking, "Yeah, but it can't hurt kids these days to learn how to use a library and actually write with decent penmanship!" This just means you're turning into your grandparents. Don't tell your kids about those days or they're likely to realize how old you really are then text their friends about you while you think they're doing their homework.

I was actually on the cuff of the computing revolution; at age 12 I got a TRS-80 personal computer with a whopping 16K of useable memory. Wow! If I wanted to do anything with it, I had to program it myself with about a zillion lines of BASIC (- another shiver -).

Well, many children in developing countries are no better off, computing-wise, than we were 30 years ago or more. Now an organization called One Laptop Per Child has decided to do something about that. They basically redesigned the computer and the way it is used, with a goal toward helping elementary school children in developing countries learn computing and be able to use that ability in creative and constructive ways:

Their website: http://www.laptop.org/
An article on them from CNN.com: LINK
An article from Popular Mechanics: LINK

Instead of a battery, their laptop has some sort of hand-crank mechanism. It has a redesigned screen that can operate in color or black-and-white (for use outdoors). It has a swivel screen, a built-in camera, and nifty neon-green accents. And they've done all this for a cost of only about $100 per computer. Countries will purchase them and distribute them to schools. It is completely free for the children.

By July, One Laptop expects to distribute millions of these machines to children in Brazil, Argentina, Uruguay, Nigeria, Libya, Pakistan, Thailand and the Palestinian territory.

The kicker is that it has a whole new operating system. Instead of Windows, it operates on low-cost and low-memory open source programming similar to Linux. On start-up, the child sees a stick figure (them) linked to each of the open programs. There are also icons linking them to all the other students near them with a computer (through a wireless network). The idea is that it is supposed to be intuitive – just click on what you want to do – and that they can interact with their classmates in unique ways to build upon each other's work. One commentor (from Geekcorps) says about the operating system, "It doesn't feel like Linux. It doesn't feel like Windows. It doesn't feel like Apple. I'm just impressed they built a new (user interface) that is different and hopefully better than anything we have today." But then he added, "Granted, I'm not a child. I don't know if it's going to be intuitive to children."

One Laptop's got a good thing going. The world is shrinking, and teaching kids to do what us old fogies couldn't at their age can only give them a hand up in this increasingly technical world of ours.

But, being an Angry Lab Rat, I of course have to find something to grouse about, so here it is: the operating system is unique and vastly different from existing systems. While that represents a nifty, and perhaps improved, programming and engineering achievement, I have to question rather it is the right choice. Put it this way: hundreds of thousands of school kids will learn computing on a system which is not likely to be present in their workspaces as adults. Like it or not, Microsoft has the market, worldwide, though Linux is growing. Are these kids really being prepared?

And here's another thing (and now I'm really being negative): $100 goes a long way in some of those countries. Will little Mahmoud in Palestine, upon receiving his sleek neon-green computer, look at it and wonder why they spent money on that instead of rebuilding his war-torn house and feeding his family for a month?

But don't get me wrong, I think One Laptop is a worthy enterprise, and it's certainly a better start than what I had at elementary age (nothing!).

Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to dig out my typewriter from storage and turn it into something useful, like a flower pot.

Mindball

Do you envy people who can bend spoons with the power of their mind? Ever wanted to be a Jedi? Do you wish you were a poltergeist? Well now you, too, can control inanimate objects through telekinesis:

http://www.i-p.se/index.aspx?page=mindball&mId=1

Introducing Mindball, the new interactive game of mind control. Sit at the special Mindball table, put on the brain-scanning headband, and show off your mental prowess against as many as three opponents by moving a ball up and down the table using only your brainwaves. By controlling your Zen-like ability to relax, your alpha- and theta-waves are measured by an EEG and transferred to the ball's kinetic motion. The more relaxed you are, the further the ball moves. Look Ma, no hands! But watch out! Your opponent can move the ball too. Who will be more relaxed? How could you possibly pass up such an exciting and interactive game?

But wait, there's more! Call in the next 10 minutes and you'll receive the Mindball Trainer. This sophisticated device is an excellent way to hone your theta waves before the big game and get an edge over your opponents.

Order now. What could be more fun? Relaxation and telekinesis are just a brainwave away!

Cannonball!

Can't reach that kitten in your redwood tree? Want to leap small buildings in a single bound? Have a burning desire to become a human cannonball? Well look no further! The "Controllable Launcher" is your ticket to fun and excitement!

http://www.newscientisttech.com/channel/tech/dn9170

It's not just a technological marvel, but a means to amaze your friends and reach new heights in your life. Like a combination sling shot and jet pilot ejector seat, simply position the launcher at the correct direction and angle, dial in the appropriate launch pressure, then sit in the launcher seat and yell "Pull." Next thing you know, you're in the air and on your way to adventure! No need for tedious stairs or pesky elevators. No more dangerous extension ladders or escalators. With the Controllable launcher, reaching those upper levels is as easy as one-two-fling! Don't wait to impress the girls in your life. With the Controllable Launcher, high balconies are a snap to reach. Your Juliet is waiting to catch you in her arms. Order now.

Strap me in, Bucky! I'm goin' flyin'!

Cocktails from Robots

Need a drink, but you're too tired at the end of a long day at the lab bench to make one for yourself? Yet you don't care to go to a bar? No problem! Now you can have your very own robot that makes cocktails for you:

http://www.cnn.com/2006/TECH/ptech/12/08/cocktail.robot.reut/index.html

Yes, in this wonderfully Jetsons-esque age of household robotic technology (thank you, Roomba!), you can drink away those blues without the bother of lifting your own bottles or that potentially messy step of shaking the drink. Instead, Chapok the robot can do it for you. But wait, there's more! He doesn't just make drinks, he also throws mild and hilarious insults and pick-up lines at his customer, such as "Hey you sweet thing, have you ever had a date with a robot?" and "You want what? Order yourself a drink for a man, you girl!"

Ah, life is good in the modern age! Hey, Chapok, make mine a Mai-Tai, and don't forget the little umbrella!