Attack Of The Squirrels!

Squirrels. Those cute little furry rodents, scampering around our lawns and running up our trees. Ain't they precious? Why, they couldn't hurt anything larger than an acorn. Sitting up there in the oak tree, chattering down at me, saying in their little squirrely language, "Hey you, hand over the pecans!" Who couldn’t love these adorable little beasties.

But then it happened. On a sunny morning in early May in San Jose, a first-grade classroom full of eager young children was preparing for a field trip. Their door was open to the spring breeze.

And in walked The Squirrel. We’ll call him Mr. Fluffy.

Mr. Fluffy wasn’t your average, happy-go-lucky acorn-chaser begging for your popcorn. Oh, no. This little fellow was out for revenge! The squirrel leapt upon two adult chaperones, turning the classroom into a whirling chaos of scratching, biting, and screaming before Mr. Fluffy ran out again.

But he didn’t stop there. He wheeled and attacked an innocent 11-year-old girl, biting her twice on the arm and drawing blood. Then, like a guerilla soldier, scampered across the lawn and disappeared into the bushes, mission accomplished.

Article, with news videos: http://cbs5.com/local/local_story_129172309.html

What followed was an immediate lockdown of the school (no kidding!) as the authorities came to trap the wild beast, but he couldn’t be found. Like an avenging ghost, Mr. Fluffy came and went, a soldier for all those squirrels out there that have been taunted with food, chased by pets, or shot for redneck dinners.

Most squirrel attacks are due to over-eagerness of squirrels for our food, but this story didn’t involve food at all.

A similar story happened in Cuesta Park last year. A 4-year-old boy was minding his own business in a park there when a squirrel came out of nowhere, leapt onto him, and started scratching and biting his face, arm, chest, and back. Even after the boy fell to the ground, screaming, the dervish of a squirrel kept on attacking.

Story: http://www.mv-voice.com/story.php?story_id=2808

How did the city respond? By trying to destroy all the squirrels in that area, of course. Over-reacting is the American way. Using a baby stroller as bait (!!!), nine squirrels were trapped and euthanized with an overdose of chloroform gas. Given that this is America, the boy’s parents are still suing the city for $150K for mental and physical damages. The boy is apparently mentally scarred for life. But this wasn't the first squirrel attack in that park. That year there were 13 other squirrel attacks in that park, including against a 4-year-old girl.

Sigh. Can we ever see squirrels the same after this? Are we to run screaming from them as they chatter at us for our nuts? And which nuts are they going to try to attack? Watch out, guys!

Be careful when you walk through your neighborhood park or school playground. What’s that rustle in the bushes? Did you hear a squirrel chatter? Bite your nails. Mr. Fluffy may be coming to get your children!

A squirrel attack on YouTube: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eguPlDQUsYA

Bring Them Home

Here in the U.S., today is Memorial Day, when we remember our soldiers, particularly those who gave their lives in battle.

Each year I put out my flags. Little ones along the road. A big one hanging on the porch. A bed-sized one draped in my bay window. That one is particularly important to me, as it was presented at the memorial service for my Grandpa, who served in the Pacific during WWII. I think of him when I see the flag, I think of my great uncle, who fought at the Battle of the Bulge, and I think of others.

But this year Memorial Day is different for me. This year my sweet, young niece is in Iraq. Soon she will be going street to street, facing the odds, where fully 65% of American soldiers who are wounded are wounded by improvised explosives, and the effects of it are devestating. Brain injuries are common. 3500 have died so far, and tens of thousands have been wounded. I have good reason to be concerned.

I hope my neice will return unharmed, but I doubt whe will be quite as sweet when she comes back, wounded or not. War spoils more than peace.

More so than ever I long to put an end to this unjustified war, a war built on lies, a war that seems to serve little or no purpose to protect the interests of America. It's another Vietnam, where even the soldiers who are fighting there see no reason to be there, and the people we are "liberating" don't want us there. I've lost a lot of pride in my nation in the last five years.

So this year the only flag I am flying is my Grandpa's, in memory of the nation as it used to be, the soldiers who fought from the heart, and the wars which were justified by more than greed. I just don't have the heart to fly the other flags this year.

Don't Get Knocked Up In The Next 3 Months Or Your Kid Will Be Dumb

A couple I know just found out they are pregnant with their first child. Congratulations, guys! They've only been trying for a short while, but it's a good thing they "did it" when they did! If they had just waited another month to conceive, their kid could have performed poorly in school.

Yes, you read that right. According to a recent study presented in early May, the date of your child's conception has a direct correlation with his or her academic performance. The worst months to be conceived are June through August:

http://www.medicine.indiana.edu/news_releases/viewRelease.php4?art=686

Researchers, led from the Indiana University School of Medicine, studied over 1.6 million children in Indiana who were between grades 3 and 10 and who had taken Indiana Statewide Testing for Educational Progress (ISTEP) examination, and correlated their score with the month of their conception. The lowest scores were for those for children conceived in the summer months. It just so happens that these are the months that pesticides and fertilizers are used the most.

What better way is there to zap bugs than to coat your fields and gardens with ruthless neurotransmitter inhibitors that keep the buggie neurons from communicating with one another, making the bug a retard unable to perform even the simplest of bodily mechanisms, thus making it die a horrifying, quivering, spasmatic death? And you have to keep your lawn green and beauterrific, don't you? So spread some fertilizer on it, already! Just don't be surprised when all those pesticides and fertilizers leach into the local water supply, then back into you through your drinking water. So says the article: "Nitrates and pesticides are known to cause maternal hypothyroidism and lower maternal thyroid in pregnancy and are associated with lower cognitive scores in offspring." The findings were presented on May 7 at the Pediatric Academic Societies' annual meeting. Makes you want to run out and purchase a water purification system, eh?

So if you're trying to conceive a child right now, you'd better do it quick! You've got five days left, then you'd better keep your pants zipped for three months, or your kid may suffer a lifetime of stupidity!

Child: "Daddy, why can't I get good grades?"

Dad (eyes welling up): "I'm sorry, son! I couldn't keep my pecker in my pants during the summer months."

I didn't see the presentation, I haven't found a research article, and I haven't been able to find any data on the web, so I don't know how they can say that it is the pesticides and nitrates that lead to the lower scores. It's a reasonable hypothesis, but what else happens in the summer that could lead to this cognitive change in the developing embryo? Is there anything else we ingest in the summer that is vile enough to lead to baby brain damage?

One word: lemonade.

Yes, lemonade. All that bitter, acidic, pee-yellow liquid flowing into your gut must rot out your embryo's fragile little brain! Why, with every sip and gulp you can feel it scouring out your system. Sure, hide it with sugar, but the acidity is still there, evil and wretched, dissolving away your tissues like water through limestone, insinuating itself into your new, innocent little embryo. So watch out, all you newly-pregnant women out there! No more lemonade for you on those hot summer days!

Oh, and you might want to drink filtered water, too, just in case.


Images taken from: HERE and HERE.

Gay Flamingos Sit On Chick

That’s right – gay flamingos. If you were thinking being gay is just a human phenomenon, you’d be wrong. It’s actually quite common among flamingos, where mate pairs can form. Some animals do it as a form of “friendliness”, such as chimpanzees. Others as a form of dominance, such as in dogs (proof) and giraffes. I’ve personally seen this in cats. Go figure.

Lately a particular male pair of flamingos has made headlines:

http://news.yahoo.com/s/afp/20070521/od_afp/britainanimalsgay

Carlos and Fernando are a male flamingo couple at the Wildfowl and Wetlands Trust (WWT) in Slimbridge near Bristol. They’ve been so desperate to follow through with their maternal intentions that they have been trying to take over nests and eggs from other, “straight” flamingos. Now they’ve gotten their chance to “shine”. A nest and egg were abandoned, allowing Carlos and his beau to assume the nesting responsibilities. I guess this means they’ll be picking up at least one “chick.”

I wonder what the neoconservatives would say about this one. Gay adoption. “It ain’t natural! It ain’t godly! Perverse! One man one woman!” Well, all you neocons and evangelists out there (including those of you in the White House), it isn’t so unnatural as you may think. That bigot Jerry Falwell must be rolling in his newly-filled grave.

These flamingos are pink, after all. Now they can wear their color with even more pride.


(Thanks to my friend K.O. for the heads-up on this one.)

Image taken from http://www.ukgaynews.org.uk/Archive/07/May/2101.htm.

Take Viagra For Jet Lag

Let’s say you’re heading on the trip of a lifetime, you and your honey are flying from the U.S. to Paris, home of love and everything romantic. I can hear the violins now. You’ve got the honeymoon suite. You’ve got all the good restaurants mapped. You’re ready for the champagne and strawberries, the rides through the countryside, walks along the Seine, the wine and, let’s not forget, the satin sheets. Ooh la la!

But when you get there you’re worn out, tired, fatigued, can’t sleep. You have jet lag, my friend, and that wonderfully romantic trip has turned into a battle against exhaustion. For every time zone you flew through you now have to wait an extra day to get adjusted to the new schedule. By then you’ll be headed back to the states. What is a young lover to do???

Take Viagra.

Story here:
http://www.nature.com/news/2007/070521/full/070521-1.html

HERE is the journal article for you science-types.

Let me turn you on to a new concept which has aroused my interest in the last couple days: taking small doses of Viagra (a.k.a. sildenafil) may help you recover from jet lag 50% faster than without. At least, if you’re a hamster. But the authors of the study see no reason why a comparable dose in humans wouldn’t have the same effect, and anecdotal evidence seems to agree.

Yes, now you can take your little blue pill and rise to meet any challenge which comes your way: be a tourist, stay out late, pitch a tent for all I care, and, of course, make sweet, sweet love. Are you “up” for the challenge?

Ah, but I have sad news for you, young fellows. As a NewScientist.com article says, “A comparable dose for humans to the 70 micrograms of sildenafil given to the hamsters would be a small fraction of that found in the average Viagra pill, suggesting people might be able to take the drug to prevent eastbound jet lag without any effect on sexual desire.”

But what effect would a full dose have? I’ll tell you what it would have. You’ll be standing erect, head held high, and back on your feet in no time, or off your feet, depending on your rigorous activity! The streets of the City of Lights will be yours to conquer.

Just be careful about that dosage, now. Otherwise, when you’re flying across the Atlantic and the stewardess offers you a warm cloth, you’ll be asking for a cold one instead, and those airplane aisles will seem even tighter.


Images taken and altered from http://img-x.fotocommunity.com/56/2943456.jpg and http://www.trekkelly.com/images/art/sculpture/viagra-pill-ohs-b.jpg.

A Coelacanth In The Pool

An Indonesian fisherman caught a “living dinosaur” in the last few days: a coelacanth.

Story: http://www.physorg.com/news98937847.html

The four-foot long, 110-pound fish was thought extinct for 65 million years until a live one was caught off South Africa in 1938. Since then more have been caught and studied, even alive, but it is still exceedingly rare, since this species lives only in very cold, very deep water.

The fisherman, Justinus Lahama, put the fish in a quarantined pool, where it lived for another 17 hours, which a marine biologist (named Lucky) said was a very long time considering the conditions were so different from its native habitat.

It’s not every day you get to see a living fossil. Scratch that . . . you actually get to see living fossils every day. No, I'm not talking about your mother-in-law. Most insects, for instance, have changed very little in hundreds of millions of years. Same is true for some plant species, like gingko trees (at least 170 million years old), or reptiles, like crocodiles (about 220 million years). So let me re-state. It’s not every day you get to see a living fossil that was thought to be extinct.

Coelacanths have been found in this area of Indonesia before (off Sulawesi). HERE is a video of a live coelacanth in its watery environment, filmed by some Japanese researchers (and narrated in Japanese). HERE is an article about that expedition, and HERE is an article about another Indonesian coelacanth that was captured.

Now, the article about the fisherman didn’t say what kind of “quarantined pool” it was, but I would like to think it was his swimming pool. I can see his wife heading out for a few quick laps, then running back in the house, screaming.

Wife: “There’s a giant fish in the pool!”

Fisherman: “Oh, yeah, I forgot to tell you, Honey. It’s a rare living fossil. Ain’t it a beaut?”

Wife: “That’s it, Justinus! It’s not enough that I put up with washing your slimy fisherman clothes all the time and have to make love to someone who smells like tuna guts, but now you’ve gone and put a four-foot carnivorous dinosaur in my pool to eat me! I’m leaving! Put that on your hook and fish with it!”

On a side note, I wonder what coelacanth tastes like. Would it be good in sushi?


Image from Reuters, via USAToday online.

They Found Scotty's Ash. No Klingons Spotted.

You may remember that, at the end of April, I had a post about a company called Celestis launching a rocket into space containing the ashes of James Doohan (who played "Scotty" in Star Trek), Gordon Cooper (the early NASA astronaut), and about 200 other people into space. Then, a week ago, I posted about how the rocket had been lost in the mountains of New Mexico.


Well, they found the rocket, and its payload is safe and sound. Scotty made it back in one piece (as close to "one piece" as a lipstick-sized canister of a few grams of his ashes could be):
http://cosmiclog.msnbc.msn.com/archive/2007/05/18/196359.aspx

Yes, the ashes of two notable legends of space flight and space fiction were kept in little metal lipstick cases. Not terribly "manly," but understandable. The only trick is getting everything through the case's little "ashhole."

The radio transmitters had come off during the descent, thus leading the searchers astray, when, in truth, the rocket had come down only a mile away from where they intended -- not in the mountainous areas, but in a nice, flat area of New Mexico. The ashes were recovered, proving that Celestic can tell the difference between Scotty's ash and a hole in the ground, and returned the remains to the families, along with souvenirs. There had also been some student experiments onboard.

Now, none of the previous articles had said that the ashes were supposed to return to earth. The purpose had apparently been to send the ashes into low orbit and then back down to earth.

Big Frickin' deal.

Man, if my ashes were going to be sent up into freakin' space, I'd want them to stay there. How lame is it that they came back down – on purpose!

But the company is going to redeem itself. At a later date they will send Doohan's and Cooper's ashes back up to stay, until they eventually burn up upon re-entry. Much more respectable, if I may say so. A fiery re-entry, like the Enterprise burning up in the atmosphere of the Genesis Planet in "Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan." Oh yeah. Self-destruct, baby!

Doohan died on July 20, 2005, on the anniversary of the Apollo 11 lunar landing. Cooper died on October 4, 2004, the same day SpaceShipOne made its second official qualifying flight and won the Ansari X-Prize. Ironies abound.

And what would Gordo and Doohan say about the next flight and its cost if they were still alive? Gordo would give a thumbs-up, I think, and say "No bucks – no Buck Rogers."

And Doohan? I'll let his character say it for him: "Any man who could perform such a feat, I wo'd na dare disappoint. She'll launch on time. And she'll be ready." -- Scotty, Star Trek: The Motion Picture