Saturday, May 26, 2007

Don't Get Knocked Up In The Next 3 Months Or Your Kid Will Be Dumb

A couple I know just found out they are pregnant with their first child. Congratulations, guys! They've only been trying for a short while, but it's a good thing they "did it" when they did! If they had just waited another month to conceive, their kid could have performed poorly in school.

Yes, you read that right. According to a recent study presented in early May, the date of your child's conception has a direct correlation with his or her academic performance. The worst months to be conceived are June through August:

Researchers, led from the Indiana University School of Medicine, studied over 1.6 million children in Indiana who were between grades 3 and 10 and who had taken Indiana Statewide Testing for Educational Progress (ISTEP) examination, and correlated their score with the month of their conception. The lowest scores were for those for children conceived in the summer months. It just so happens that these are the months that pesticides and fertilizers are used the most.

What better way is there to zap bugs than to coat your fields and gardens with ruthless neurotransmitter inhibitors that keep the buggie neurons from communicating with one another, making the bug a retard unable to perform even the simplest of bodily mechanisms, thus making it die a horrifying, quivering, spasmatic death? And you have to keep your lawn green and beauterrific, don't you? So spread some fertilizer on it, already! Just don't be surprised when all those pesticides and fertilizers leach into the local water supply, then back into you through your drinking water. So says the article: "Nitrates and pesticides are known to cause maternal hypothyroidism and lower maternal thyroid in pregnancy and are associated with lower cognitive scores in offspring." The findings were presented on May 7 at the Pediatric Academic Societies' annual meeting. Makes you want to run out and purchase a water purification system, eh?

So if you're trying to conceive a child right now, you'd better do it quick! You've got five days left, then you'd better keep your pants zipped for three months, or your kid may suffer a lifetime of stupidity!

Child: "Daddy, why can't I get good grades?"

Dad (eyes welling up): "I'm sorry, son! I couldn't keep my pecker in my pants during the summer months."

I didn't see the presentation, I haven't found a research article, and I haven't been able to find any data on the web, so I don't know how they can say that it is the pesticides and nitrates that lead to the lower scores. It's a reasonable hypothesis, but what else happens in the summer that could lead to this cognitive change in the developing embryo? Is there anything else we ingest in the summer that is vile enough to lead to baby brain damage?

One word: lemonade.

Yes, lemonade. All that bitter, acidic, pee-yellow liquid flowing into your gut must rot out your embryo's fragile little brain! Why, with every sip and gulp you can feel it scouring out your system. Sure, hide it with sugar, but the acidity is still there, evil and wretched, dissolving away your tissues like water through limestone, insinuating itself into your new, innocent little embryo. So watch out, all you newly-pregnant women out there! No more lemonade for you on those hot summer days!

Oh, and you might want to drink filtered water, too, just in case.

Images taken from: HERE and HERE.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

How dare you defame lemonade like that!